Its just a Game
Tuesday, November 15, 2005

david is alone. i think hes in severe need of a haha i almost wrote boyfriend. ahhh. how amusing. i should say, he is need of a S.O. he has come to the point where he finds everything pointless, its the i need a purpose thing. i get that a lot. or at least i used to. its all because david isn't really compeltely passionate about anything. he doesn't really do anything, and so he has nothing to do, argue, or support. with out purpose, life, atleast everyday life, is stupid and pointless. and every conversation joke and jesture of affection is stupid ass. thats the reasons i like planning for anime boston and shit, because it meant i had a purpose mid year when every year i sorta want to drop off the planet. and i don't want to say i'm worried about david becayse i have been for kinda while. but he always brushes his issues off. he doesn't tell anyone his problems. and he really does condemn himself to be alone forever, saying no one will ever marry him or something and i comment that that is sad and he says no not realy. david needs to meet someone, he needs someone that will give him something real to think about. he needs to actually be committed to someone. and not just have the continuing awkward moments with mary. no offence. david needs purpose. i have a goal and i am focussed, so those are my goals, to actually be good and school and be the official costume bitch of csw. that is my goal. so i have something to work towards. and yoga gives me something to think about and do when i am having mental breakdowns and shit. it really helps me. and it reminds me that i shouldn't be completely shitty to my body. musical theatre gives me purpose and reason to actually try. i need something. everyone does to some point. like me and kate. i love chessie i LOVE chessie, but my relationship is very different from the one i have with kate. kate is like me, but no meanness, her passion is dance, mine is art, mine is beauty so is hers. we are apprentice to each other. i think thats why we both love dressing up, because when we do we feel beautiful, completely. we are transformed by style and tone. we become that which we dsire by changing to something that is fun and beautiful. kate and i have the same idea o f love, as does chessie , we all belive in the same kind of love. kate and i are connected more thought because we are both single and neither of us has had a boyfriend that we are comitted to. we are romantics and complete SAPS(we plan to make patches too) and we compeltely know it, because we get bf cravings and we call eachother and remind each other why we are the best of friends. david doesn't have that. he had someone in the beginning but nick turned out to be a complete dick both literal and insult form. and david didn't feel good around him, anna told me david said he feels less masculine around nick and his friends. because nick is a hot piece of ass. but a very VERY VERY cocky hot piece of ass. and that should stop. the cockyness is a total turn off. but karma is teaching him, so its ok. lydia is his guru haha. lydia, your a nut, i love you sometimes i won't lie! sometimes i can't fucking stand you, but for nick worshipping you, you have all my empathy. david changed. why he changed i don't know. he clearly didn't like himself. but personally i don't think this is much of an improvement for him. no matter how much you change your appearance, you can't fix the emotional issues you have and you need to work them out, whether that means talking to me or anyone. or it could be actually just working it out with yourself and convincing yourself that you are good enough. id on't know which is it. but get a purpose david. crosswords ain't your thing hun. 

Posted at 10:39 pm by Batophil2007
i could be your rose  

Wednesday, October 05, 2005
woah confusing

shit is awsome. saw U2 live, can't get over it, the joy is there but the gasm has left, but remembering it will bring back some of the excitement. kate pissed me off today. she was being physical with me when i really didn't want her to, during lunch when doing homework she kinda didn't get the hint, and then some other time i don't remember. but when i'm doing homework i don't want distractions and she was being a distraction that wans't wanted at the time. and then second open block when i noticed fabric i had, and i asked whos it was and it was nick's, kate automatically grabs its and starts prancing around the room, ohh i'm an elf i'm an elf, its like harry's invisability cape, and it just kinda pissed me off. so i asked chessie if she would come outside with me so i didn't have to endure conversations that i know i would find pointless and i wouldn't have participated in them. so i spent open block listening to chessie talk with ron, which was much better than being in the cold clammy banging on the piano welling and running about catroom. i love being with the people in the cat room but i can't take it all sometimes. its too much immaturity for me. its excessive amounts of stupidity that i prefer not the be around. its just irritating to me and puts me in a bad mood. so i left. i've thought about it for a while and i do want to be friends with nick. i'm not sure about the status of it right now though. i do enjoy being around him, butnow hes wearing black eyeliner and being morbid and depressed, something is wrong ofcourse, but he will not spill. i understand but i wish he would just talk. i think he needs to learn to be aware of and appreciate emotional love, not just loving affection of friends. thats kinda my issue. i don't really know how to be really bouncy and loving, its not really my style unless i'm very close with the people i'm with and i'm very comfortable with them physically. it takes time. and it takes one on one time. which is very hard for some people. to get from some epople i mean. i need this break., montreal will be good. chessie and i want to go to india for our senior summer trip. we hope to find an ashram we can stay at for a week or two.

sat nam

Posted at 10:31 pm by Batophil2007
i could be your rose  

Saturday, October 01, 2005
ahh! horny

shit goddamnit! hate those ads for shitty porn on tv. i was trying to enjoy the mask of zorro and here comes all these ads, repeated over and over, and BAM! horny, very bad. tired, but ahh can't sleep well now shyzah!!! curse those girls gone wild ads, making be so damn horny that i had to come online and read harcore fanficiton, thankgod for xmen!

Posted at 02:07 am by Batophil2007
i could be your rose  

Thursday, September 29, 2005
what is the point of bloging fools?

hmm. haven't written in a while. acutal writing, while quite luxurious(whatever i don't care) is quite dissapointing when you have less than pretty hand writing. then your just are ranting into a book that will never reply and only be blank until you fill it up with the feeling your not allowed to express. how silly. yes it is. and now, we have blogs, for those who don't actually care to write but need the reassurance that someone else is out there, someone cares enough to comment on what you need to talk about. blogs are for youself. its a diary moron. a diary for those with bad handwriting. talking about connection andunderstanding is miniscule online. it means that the truths you feels in your heart are not expressed because in real life these comments would be seen as mean. they would be cruel to other people, and that would be bad. the understanding people yearn for online comes from how cowardly they are in real life. i have stoppped writing because i talk constantly. i talk to my friends about everything, to the point where we call eachother and sing abba because the day was boring. its good that we at least talk about everything rather than having to be compeltely angsty or emo online. if you are sad, be sad damnnit! god, why is that so diffuclt. if you are sad be sad, if you are happy be happy. but express yourself for god's sake. blogs are about pity. oh i compeltely feel the same way. actually talk to people are stop being sch cowards. this is my diary. i write in it as a diary. no one i know will read this because this is mine, and mine only, i don't need my friends reassurance that everything i bitch about willl sort itself out.

first of all, when i need someone it will be provided. thats it. i'm not saying i will be waited on hand a foot by some child slave from a country i've never heard of. i'm saying if i truly need someone it will come to me, becuase everything is connected. somoene will need it also and the universe will indirectly provide me with everything i need. but now, i don't need anything. thats my issue. i'm completely content,. but not completely but overall i'm very happy. i'm not buzzing around singing zip-a-dee-doo-da but i am very happy. i hve learned to be happy with myself and my friends. i've learned to ignore the hole eating away at my heart. i chose to not feel the pain. that pain is not worth carrying everywhere. its too painful. i already learned this. i learned to be happy myself. other people need to do this. passion and love will not solve everything in their life. while passion is amazing, it is not completion. it simply isn't. devotion and commitment is. and having fun is compeltely a part of that. its not all about omg i need you fuck me now, its about appreciation. and some enjoyment and fun. embrace it. we are going to be here for quite a while.

Posted at 09:50 pm by Batophil2007
i could be your rose  

Monday, September 19, 2005

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Posted at 06:47 pm by Batophil2007
i could be your rose  

Thursday, September 01, 2005
such a sweetie!

talking to albert abot being alone and how i'm am going to be a spinster when i grow up, and how i'm planning to be alone. he told me he'd marry me. i love albert i told him i love having him as a friend and that i'd prefer not to ruin that. started talking about kate. he was so shocked that she doesn't have a boyfriend, and why i don't have one, its so strange to him. hes such a sweetie. even if he can be an idiot sometimes. hell everyone is at some point.

Posted at 01:11 am by Batophil2007
i could be your rose  

Sunday, July 10, 2005
call them the diamond dogs

sooo horny. from reading hp shit while talking to robert. shit with robert isn't as bad, but its cool. we are planning a shindig for the seduction of kate hope it will work. even though i didd enforce the ideas of david house. should get that out of her head. walking around my house in a bra for a top is soo much nicer than walking around with a shirt on. been talking to reobert for like 2 and a half hours. it was very fun. i love robert. we are actually going to keep in toch now. we were having a lovely discussion about pairs of pants that have been lost to us. it was quite enjoyable. i need to sleep. after i finish reading the printed out harry potter love :-D

Posted at 12:54 am by Batophil2007
i could be your rose  

Friday, July 08, 2005
poor robert

ahhhh robert really has liked kate for a long timeee. and he gave her his number and she called me and told me about it, and REJECTED HIM AHHHHHHHHHH, and i tried to call kate and chessie and fucking hell, they are both asleep BITCHES i need someone to talk to., i found all this out from albert. robert has really liked kate for some time. and totally got rejected by not calling him at all. shit shit shit shit shit FUCKKK. this is why my friends shouldn't like eachother because then i fucking freak out and try to help and make things ten times worse
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkk!!!!!!!!

Posted at 11:20 pm by Batophil2007
i could be your rose  

Sunday, June 05, 2005
little worried

so kate called me, told me that chessie and mary got together, very happy about that. 2 and a half hours later, like right now chessie just called me, and told me something happened, but she didn't actually tell me what. she said it happened really fast, and now she isn't sure if its what she wanted. i told her, hey its been a day, you never know. she was laughing, but i don't know if shes unsure of herself or whats going on. i don't really know what exactly happened at all. i asked and she said she wasn't sure if she was comfortable talking about it right now, tomorrow she said. i told her thats totally ok, talk to me whenever your ready and you want to, say whatever you want. i hope that sounded good enough. i asked her one thing, and told her if she didn't want to say that was totally cool, and i asked her who started, she said i think mary did. so something interesting has happened. thought chessie is unsure, she sounds happy enough, she sounds like she hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing. but i don't know if shes truly happy. she was laughing over the phone, but i don't know, she was very timid to say anything that went on. i wish i could call kate. sadly she goes to sleep very early. damnit. i really need a shower. i'll g in early tomrrow and talk to her and see what the story is. i don't actually even know what the story is with mary. damn the fact that she does not have an online journal. probably a good thing that she doens't though, because generally public known online journals tend to fuck everthing up. like i said, an online journal is for yourself and no one else. i personally only use my online one because physically writing things out before i go to sleep gives me hand cramps and take too long. with just typing, i can just go word by word saying exactly what comes to mind when it comes to mind. i'm kinda worried about chessie, but not enough to drastically do anyhting. i don't know what to think of mary, or what is happening with her, i don't talk to her enough. but whatever happens. they must do it themselves, and no one should interfere if something is said, or if something needs ot be said. no notes, no page boys. they should do it all themselves, if it is official. all friends can do is offer advice that is asked for.

Posted at 10:02 pm by Batophil2007
i could be your rose  

Tuesday, May 31, 2005
more david shit

you kno when your actually pretty much past something, but your not quite there yet, like everything it back to normal but at this point the comfort level isn't what it used to be. yea i reached that today. i don't want to be alone in the room withdavid anymore, simply because on my side, i don't feel too good. i avoid it. in some art project tori had a picture of her and david kissing, and my mind went SHUMP! back to the cast party when i had to kiss him. damn it was wet. kinda icky. don't want it to be like that w/ anyone i'm ever with. so it pulled me back into the pas.t not very fun. so i felt alittle more uncomfortable than i would usually. school is sucking. i honestly don't konw what i'm goign to go for bill schirmer, i studied REALLY HARD for the latest test and only got a C- on it. i hate this tests. i want to have liz nee, shes soo much better. bill's teaching career should go die in a hole. so i'm pissed about that. i'm sick of african dance because the teacher is a nazi when it comes to talking, she like separates you, she moved lydia when we were dancing and talking, and shewas like YOU GUYS COMEON and them she came over and like physically moved lydia, i was smirking the whole time. that teacher needs to understand people will talk. we're bloody highschoolers, its not like i'm going o0o0ooo0o i hate her soo much behind her back, its just a little chat, and actually at that exact moment we were talking about african dance. and how lydia hated the step we were doing. so yes the african dance nazi teacher. brian hamilton can fix almost any bad mood in the morning, thank god i have him for a block, even if i'm completely alone in the class and don't actually talk to socialize with anyone. its kinda sad. i'm the only sophmore, so i can only sit there with dignity and be quiet and talk when i actually have something i find worthwhile to say.

i love sara honig, one of the most stress free teachers i have, her classes are so light, like i actually work in them, but having a good mental state is important to her. which is totally awsome. i miss teachers like mr pod, i will remember him forever, me and louisa will forever quote him by saying don't do that i hate that! i miss some of my middle school teachers. SOME some i want to kill with a katana. not really. i just never want them to teach again because they make life a living hell. bill actually teaches us interesting stuff but i fail at his test. i just do, and i always fucking will. goddamn. i'm running out of music and i'm running out of the will to do well, when i know i'm only getting half ass grades when i'm working really hard. i don't want to feel this way in the furture, i don't want to feel like this while i'm at risd, i don't want to fele like this next year, and i don't wantt to feel like this in college.

different topic. i'm ubsessed with my self image, not for other people but myself, i want to think i look good. thats natural i think and hope. but i don't think i'm beautiful, i never have, i won't for some time. i'm not the kind of attention whore that goes around saying ohh i'm soo fat i'm soo ugly, i don't think i'm fat or ugly, but i don't think i'm really thin or really pretty. i take pride in myself some days and i look good somedays and i stand with dignity, but never do i think i'm beautiful. fucking american culture. i hate standards. they should die. my image of beauty is nicole kidman in moulin rouge, i cant get that. its a completely different time period. makes nooo sense. i don't want to become her, but i want to look as beautiful as she does, im my eyes. which isn't possible to me. i can't convince myself. probably because i can't stand myself. i guiltmyself constantly, over stupid things that arn't always my fault. i only remember the stupid rude or pissy/mean things i say, and then thats constantly what i think about, oh god i was such an idiot to do that. constantly this is all i can think of. why did i do something so stupid without thinking? why wasn't i better, why did i act that way, why did i say that retarded comment. it consumes me.

i don't want to grow up, but i want to be mature. i want to be able to pretend that i'm a pirate, a fairy, a mermaid, cancan dancer, and i do sometimes, and i want to be mature when the time calls for it, but i don't want to be a mother sitting in a waiting room, telling one of her three daughters to stop touching the photos on the wall. i don't want to sit waiting for my kid to finish some class, while i chat with the other mothers about the latest belt i'm sewing and doing needle point on. i don't want to be some flabby assed mother yanking her daughter's arm, while her daughter wails about guying toy glasses for her american girl doll. i don't want to become the things i so detest, and the things i remember and pity, hate, look down upon. i don't want to become my mother. i don't want to become a mother who shows off their daughters during their dinner parties, showing the guests pictures of their children, that the children actuall want to burn because they are filled with so much self loathing. i don't want to have a daughter who will hate me in the morning for not knowing what to believe and say. i don't want to live in a cublicle for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. i don't want to become every bad memory of my mother. experiances make a person who they are yes, its helps in knowing who you are and what you like and what you believe. i believe my sister's fairy steals her nail polish and replaces it the next day in the exact same place. i believe i myself can see people's auras, their energy just glowing all around them. i believe in the fairies that skip about treetops and can be seen on sunny days. i believe in the power of music, and voice. i believe once something is said, it can never be forgotton and taken back, but only forgiven, forgotton. i believe that people change, and while some friends you will always talk to for moral support help you with ones your confused about, the confused ones find a way that works for them. i believe in loving and living through the energy of friends, the connection that is like no other. every one is different. and while everyone is bonded and tied together, it is so imporant to know that a person is only responsible for themselves. i believe in forgiveness and moving on. i believe in maturing, but never growing up and giving in to age. i believe in warm summer thunderstorms, lighting candles, and playing the piano with your eyes closed. i believe in kisses meaning everything, and meaning nothing. i believe that dancing is too blissful and passionate for logic.

i believe in life, and living, and regret, and despair, beauty, and freedom. i believe in connection, and acceptance and rejection.

Posted at 07:30 pm by Batophil2007
i could be your rose  

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yes, this is my third blog, for no one that i know to intentionally read. umm i use real names because these are my feelings that i need to get out that i don't want my good friends to read. thats not what a journal is about, its about myself only. and my feelings and getting out what needs to leave my system.
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